iām not that girl: the painful realities of romance for women of color
an analysis of elphaba from wicked, and woc's pain through music
Guess who just saw Wicked and canāt stop thinking about it! And I mean literally, I just got back from my local movie theater and finished writing my letterboxd review; so obviously after doing such important things I must run to Substack!
As always, I loved the movie. I wonāt go too much into my word vomit thoughts on the movie overall just because I feel like itās a little redundant (and you can read my letterboxd review here!)
But there is one thing I wanted to hone in on specifically, Cynthia Erivoās ballad āIām Not That Girlā.
I wrote about it a little in my letterboxd review, but I wanted to dive deeper into the idea and my messy emotions surrounding not only the song, but the way I interpreted it as a woman of color, and the greater idea it represents!
In my said letterboxd review, I wrote:
ā"i'm not that girl" is for girls who love "opposite" by sabrina carpenter and "normal girl" by sza and are also woc who are always second best to white girlsā¦ā
In āIām Not That Girlā, Erivo aka Elphaba sings about the crushing realization that her crush (Fiyero / Jonathan Bailey) will not choose her because of how different she is, and instead will choose Galinda (Ariana Grande). Weāre not stupid though, we know what different sheās singing about. Some of my favorite lyrics in this song are below:
āHe could be that boy, but I'm not that girlā
āDon't dream too far /Don't lose sight of who you are / Don't remember that rush of joyā
āEvery so often, we long to steal / To the land of what-might-have-been / But that doesn't soften the ache we feel / When reality sets back in / Blithe smile, lithe limb / She who's winsome, she wins him / Gold hair with a gentle curl / That's the girl he choseā
āDon't wish, don't start; wishing only wounds the heartā
Letās really DIG into these lyrics though, because I have a lot to say!
āHe could be that boy
But I'm not that girlā
Now on the surface, this is just in context of the musical. Fiyero could be the boy I could fall in love with, but I (Elphaba) will not be the girl he falls for. But this idea, although devastating, is an all too common occurrence for women of color. The idea of being āsecond bestā to the white girl.
āDon't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joyā
A mantra, of sorts. Donāt let yourself fall too deeply. Donāt remember how happy you felt. Donāt remember the fleeting moments, the rush of joy and lovesickness. Because reality will crash down on you, and it will crash hard. Better to not feel anything at all, as to not get hurt.
āEvery so often, we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in
Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he choseā
As I was saying earlier, donāt let yourself believe. Donāt let yourself fall into the daydreams of the āwhat ifāsā and the āwhat might've beenāsā because it will never work. And it wonāt stop the pain in your ribs if you think about it too deeply. The āother girlā in this scenario, the white girl, is the pillar of beauty. She is the standard to which you can and will never meet, and that is the girl he will āchoose.ā
āDon't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heartā
This brings this idea full circle. The idea of the mantra coming up again. Do not wish for another outcome, or daydream, or wish you were one of those pristine ideas of whiteness you see on the pedestals again and again. Because, at the end of the day, thatās all they are. Wishes. Daydreams. Delusions. And all they do is hurt the heart, and therefore hurt you.
āIām Not That Girlā is one of my favorite songs in the movie. Not only because of Erivoās insane vocals, but because of how deeply it hit my soul. Obviously Iām not a green witch, but I too, could relate to the painful realizations that Elphaba was going through as another woman of color.
And this idea of not being āas goodā as your white female counterparts in the context of romance doesnāt start and end with āIām Not That Girlā. There are SO many songs that either discuss this very idea, or I interpret very heavily as falling into this idea.
For example, āoppositeā by pop superstar Sabrina Carpenter. Now obviously Carpenter is the white girl in question, but the song itself could be heavily interpreted as falling into this idea:
āOh, so you do have a type?
And it's not meā
āShe looks nothing like me
So why do you look so happy?
Now I think I get the cause of it
You were holding out to find the oppositeā
āJust wondering when you
Said I'm beautiful
Was I being lied to?ā
āOh, I know now
Even if I tried to change
That somehow
You'd end up with her anywayā
Do you see the thread? The idea presented in āoppositeā of insecurity, the interpretation being through the lens of a woman of color, whose ex is now with a white girl. The questioning of our worth as women of color in the first place, because as much as we try to conform and change ourselves, we will never be able to reach the standard of beauty that white girls are BORN into. The cycle of questioning oneās self worth: Were you lying to me when you said I was beautiful? And how that level of thinking can, genuinely, kill someone.
Another example of this specific level of pain, āNormal Girlā by SZA.
āI wanna be the type of girl you take home to your mama
The type of girl, I know your fellas, they'd be proud ofā
āI wish I was a normal girl
I'll never beā
Now this song brings this idea home. āNormal Girlā is the home run of āwomen of color are second best and always will be in an inherently white societyā of songs. This and probably Mitskiās āYour Best American Girlā
āNormal Girlā does the same wishing that āoppositeā does, but especially in the context of being a Black woman. The speaker (Iām assuming SZA) wishes she was a ānormal girlā who was easily accepted into her inner circle and overall society by her partner. But she isnāt. She isnāt and she never will be a ānormal girlā because sheās a woman of color, more specifically a Black woman, which the world despises.
And to clarify, (because Iāve seen TikTok discourse about this idea):
NO, you cannot cry to āNormal Girlā because your ex boyfriend left you (white girl) for a brunette girl with a nose ring (also a white girl).
Thatās not the same thing, and will never be the same fucking thing, as being constantly compared to, left for, and tossed aside because of our societies deep obsession with whiteness. It is our beauty standard. It is our overall standard, and has been since this country was created.
To bring this idea home, the world hates women of color! Thatās that! Thereās no way to kindly swerve around the idea.
The world hates women of color.
The world idolizes whiteness, especially in the context of romance and romantic ideals for women.
And women of color will never be able to escape it! The comparison and envy and deep sadness and anger, and every other weird messy emotion in regard to whiteness, because thatās how our society was founded!